Confrontation was never one of my assets and it never will be. Why talk about it when everyone else is okay with you just letting it slide, right? It’s easier left alone than to find a point of it all. Many a times it’s really a simple adjustment, a breif pause within that high peaks of anger, that is required to stop it from turning into an argument of ages. I even prefer sweeping it all under the rug forever if it exempts me a discussion of feelings.
When I was really young, I was silent but I always told people what I felt, expressed purely the emotional state of my heart, even anger. What my older self slowly realized that no matter whose fault it was or not, no matter what went wrong, you’ll always end up feeling guilty for turning it into an argument. Now we aren’t surrounded by people who’ll calmly listen to your anger issues and just listen rather than suggest that you are doing something wrong, if they actually did we wouldn’t need therapists.
I remember once being furious at my parents, can’t exactly remember why, but I remeber it being a really big deal for me. I was shaking up with anger and thought to myself, this is it, I am going to ask them they can’t do this. So I walked up to their room and even before I could call out, they started pinning it on me. I know parenting ain’t easy, definitely not pretty if you’ve got me as a daughter, but at that moment I realized that they’ve already made an opinion of what it really is about. A really bad, depressing trait of mine is, if I ever realize or feel certain way about something or someone even God couldn’t change that for me. That is when I decided that people actually don’t want to hear your reasons, they just wanna end it.
End the conversation. End the argument. End the day. End the issue. It really isn’t as important as solving things as it is to ending them.
Obviously all this pent up anger about a billion little things slowly turns a mountain that you need to face someday, my solution to that is to beat the living crap out of your pillow or cry until you can’t cry anymore. I know, I know it ain’t healthy and it certainly isn’t Monday Motivational post you wanna see, but I am sure a lot of people do this. That’s what we bunch are taught, find the quickest way to end it.
In the past year or so, I have been taught to be different about my anger, been told that you need to find a way to confront it yet not hurt the person or yourself.
“Target the issue, not the person.”
Honest to God I tried it. I even risked dragging an argument for days, but it didn’t feel right. So much pain, so much hurt, yes I did resolve it but is it even worth all the pain you go through. DO I FEEL FREE, absolutely not. I regret every minute of that confrontation. I regret not shoving it down under more appropriately. Maybe I’ll never be the confrontation type, because every time I did it, ended up bad and painful. I’d rather be devoured by anger than to go through pain pulling someone else with me. I’d rather just let them believe I am over it than turn it real by discussing. I will always choose to conceal than confront.